March 9, 2016
We’ve finally made it, everyone! Week nine of this college football season is in the books and the College Football Playoff committee have convened for the first time, our annual reminder Condoleeza Rice has a cruical role in shaping college football. And topping the inaugural 2017 CFP rankings are none other than the Geo-hrk. The Geo-whrrrgrbl. The Geo-urghhhhh I can’t take this let’s move on to the far superior rankings
Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 9
5. Penn State. JT Barrett heard all the terrible things you said about him. Yes, even you, Michael. He heard you talking about how he’s overrated and how Ohio State keeps winning in spite of him, and he said, “fine, I’ll beat Penn State all by myself while looking as nondescript as possible. You’ll all see!”
Meanwhile, James Franklin and Penn State had to travel through Akron on the way to Columbus. Gonna guess they took an alternate route back.
4. Wazzu. I think I’ve finally figured out what a pirate’s worst enemy is - it’s Khalil Tate! He’s darting all over the place, scoring touchdowns, stealing your treasure, and leaving you to die in the desert. Pirates hate the desert! There’s no water to sail on, and drinking rum will just dehydrate you and make you die quicker.
3. Michigan State. On the one hand, Spartans, you lost to Northwestern in triple overtime, making Medill graduate and brand robot Darren Rovell happy; on the other, at least your L was against a football team and not $130 worth of fast food.
2. TCU. You don’t just walk into Jack Trice Stadium in Ames, Iowa and expect a win. Not anymore; after taking down OU in Norman, the Cyclones have been out for blood, and the last thing you want to see on the horizon is a bloodthirsty Cyclone, especially when that Cyclone is coached by a literal god.
1. Florida. When you travel to Jacksonville, it’s almost a guarantee it’ll take something from you. Fortunately for the Gators, it seems like they were already angling to get rid of their coach, so when the piper came calling they took one last look at Jim McElwain and tossed him into St. John’s River. Nothing left for the Gators now but to quietly finish a disappointing season with an unknown interim coach - OH DANG IT’S RANDY SHANNON Y’ALL TIME TO RENT THE PARTY BOAT
Honorable mention: Tennessee. After Saturday’s defeat to Kentucky, Butch Jones has lost what feels like his fifth “must-win” game of the season, which just goes to show that if every game is a must-win, none of them are.
Georgia Tech lost to this team and I’m still mad about it.
SEC Conference Plays of the Week
Several calls late in the UNC-Miami game might have led you to wonder if the officials had it in for the Heels. But just look at that block. That was early in the game. They weren’t being subtle about it at all!
That’s Arkansas, once again illustrating the best kind of trick play: the one that tricks yourself.
There ain’t no such thing as a free ride in the real world.... but this is the NCAA, and so Rashaad Penny can’t charge for any jersey sled rides.
Employee of the Month of the Week
John Wolford, QB, Wake Forest
You can keep telling yourself Lamar Jackson is always the best player on whatever field he’s on, but that doesn’t make it true, and it wasn’t Saturday when Jackson and his supporting cast lost to Wake Forest. John Wolford’s is much better, and that helped him spread the love and earn the Deacons the victory, with 28 completed passes (with just 6 misses) for 461 yards and five touchdowns, and another touchdown and 14 yards on four carries. That’ll earn you an EotMotW award, even if that pesky Khalil Tate is trying his best to win all of them.
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